Non violent communication
Nonviolent Communication (Continuing Educationente)

- Marshall Rosenberg "Words are windows (or they are walls)
- Thomas Ansembourg
- David Servan-Schreiber
- The 4 Toltec chords
- Faber and Mazlish

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication process developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. According to its author, "language and interactions reinforce our ability to give kindly and inspire others the desire to do the same"
Empathy is at the heart of the CNV, it is a "conscious communication" whose main characteristics are empathy, authenticity and responsibility.
"Nonviolent Communication is the combination of a language, a way of thinking, a communication skills and means of influence that serve my desire to do three things:

- to free myself from cultural conditioning that is in conflict with the way I want to live my life

- acquire the power to put myself in touch with myself and others in a way that allows me to give naturally from my heart

- acquire the power to create structures that support this way of giving. "

According to Thomas of Ansembourg, the NVC process is meant to help clarify what we are experiencing. It is not about empathy as such, but gives access to it. It is not just a question of listening, but of "connecting oneself effectively with oneself and the other," that is, becoming fully aware of one's own feelings and those of the other. .

In his bestseller Guérir, David Servan-Schreiber describes the CNV process in relatively simple terms. According to him, the first principle of the CNV is to replace any judgment by an objective observation, in order to avoid the usual reactions of his interlocutor to a criticism. The second principle is to avoid any judgment on his interlocutor to speak only of what one feels, the other can not challenge that. The effort then consists in describing the situation by starting his sentences with "I", to be "in authenticity and openness".


For Marshall Rosenberg, the goal of CNV is to "foster the momentum of the heart and connect with ourselves and others, giving free rein to our natural benevolence. ". He calls this Nonviolent Communication in reference to Gandhi, in the sense of a communication where there is no trace of violence left.

The Nonviolent Communication process can be used in three ways:

communicate with oneself to clarify what is happening in oneself (self-empathy);
communicate with others in a way that promotes understanding and acceptance of the message (authentic expression);
receive a message from the other, listen to it in a way that promotes dialogue regardless of how it expresses itself (empathy).

For this process to really promote cooperation and dialogue, this implies:

an attention to the present moment;
a clear intention to foster dialogue and cooperation.

The four stages of NVC
The 4 stages of the CNV process, in expression and in listening.

Whether clarifying what is happening in oneself or communicating with others, the NVC method can be summarized as a four-step journey:

Observation (O): describe the situation in terms of sharable observation;
Feeling and attitudes (S): express feelings and attitudes generated in this situation;
Need (B): clarify need (s);
Application (D): apply to meet the following criteria: achievable, concrete, precise and positively formulated. If possible, let the action be feasible in the present moment. The fact that the request is accompanied by a formulation of the needs makes it negotiable.

However, this is not a way of speaking that should be followed at all costs. The proposed concepts are benchmarks, intended to facilitate the expression of benevolence, not rules to follow. We will then notice, for example, if our needs are not clear to our interlocutor, or if on the contrary, the needs of our interlocutor do not appear to us clearly.

In a situation of communication, the order of presentation of the steps is indifferent: one can very well begin by expressing one's feelings (S), generated by a situation (O), then speaking about one's needs (B) to present a request ( D). The important thing is to present all the steps.

Observe the facts

When we describe a situation, we express different things:

objective observations (what we saw, what we can logically deduce without making any particular hypothesis)
assessments (thinking in terms of good or bad, characterizing the person or situation etc.)
interpretations (make conclusions based on assumptions)

From the point of view of NVC, evaluations and interpretations are legitimate and can be expressed. The important thing is to distinguish them from objective observations and to specify that this is what we imagine.

He recommends avoiding the use of assessments and judgments, because if someone feels judged, he or she will tend to engage in self-defense rather than understanding. On the other hand, evaluations make the world static, while it is constantly changing. As Wendell Johnson explains, language is an imperfect instrument for talking about stability and normality, whereas reality is changing and made of difference. The CNV recommends talking about concrete facts to describe the events rather than attributing definitive characteristics to the interlocutor or to the world which locks him mentally in a box. While talking about concrete facts, we open the possibility of formulating specific requests for actions to be realized in the future.

Ex: "You are a lazy" (judgment) opposes "It's been a week since you left" (observable fact).

Obstacle to the expression of observations: not really intend to communicate, but be in a relationship of power or competition.

Express feelings, emotions and attitudes

For example: being afraid, being curious, being surprised, being sad, being full of energy, etc. In order to be able to communicate what is happening in us, CNV invites us to develop an emotional vocabulary to express the full range of emotions that can affect us.

One of the usual pitfalls in the interpretation of feelings is to mix emotions with one's perception of the other, of one's actions and of what one can imagine doing. For example, if someone is told to be ignored by him because he did not say hello, we do not describe our feelings but our interpretation of his behavior. Our feelings here may be sadness or frustration.

In the same way, certain expressions cultivate the confusion between feeling and judgment. For example, "I feel like you do not love me" is not a feeling but a judgment: one interprets the behavior of the other.

In general, whenever the word "tu" occurs in a sentence ("you", "others" ...), the probability is very strong whether it is a judgment and not a feeling.

Obstacle to the expression of feelings and attitudes even afraid to communicate on what one considers as intimate by modesty, by fear of the eyes of others, etc.

Express needs

When we are not aware of the connection between our needs and our feelings, we believe that these are the situations that alone provoke what we feel and our attitudes. Between the actions of others and our feelings, there are our needs which are an element of intermediate causality. Hence the importance of identifying needs and assuming them. On the other hand, if we accompany our requests with the explanation of the deep reasons, we allow the other to understand us and, if he can not accept what we ask, he will propose more spontaneously an alternative allowing to satisfy both the bearer of the claim and himself.

For NVC, the needs are the same for everyone, but their expression differs according to people, times, cultures.

Barriers to the expression of needs:

Social or family conditioning that represses the expression of feelings
A lack of habit to express one's needs
Lack of vocabulary to express one's feelings and needs (I'm "fine", I'm "bad")
Believe that you are in a position of weakness (risk being criticized or manipulated)
Do not believe that the other can be kind to our needs

Ask for the actions you want

CNV invites us to translate our general needs into concrete requests, ie concerning specific actions needed to meet the most urgent needs, or to plan possible actions in order to respond to a problem that could occur ( re) produce in the future. According to the principles of the CNV, it is not necessary to use the requirements, the threat, the orders or the manipulation. Such methods are even considered to have negative consequences, such as fear or frustration, and do not arouse benevolence in our interlocutor.

For Rosenberg, an application is likely to be heard when it is:

active and positive: ask what you want, not what you do not want, expressed in language that encourages action.
Conscious and explicit: implicit demands are sources of misinterpretation and distress for those to whom they are addressed.
simple, clear and precise: the purpose of the request is clear to all and its realization is within reach of the interlocutor.

Rosenberg distinguishes "demand" and "requirement". He notes that requests are frequently perceived as demands, acts of domination to which one responds either by submission or revolt. He insists on the difference between the two.

They can be distinguished by their form or content. Requests expressed authoritatively or containing terms that express the obligation ("must," "must," "that's it," verb to imperative, etc.) are requirements.

Sometimes their expression is the same: "Do you want to go shopping? Will be a request or a requirement, depending on the context. They are then distinguished by the applicant's attitude to refusal.

If the refusal generates a negative feeling in him (fear, anger, frustration, sadness), his request was a requirement. The negative feeling will fuel a communication where judgments and criticisms will hold a large place, endangering the relationship. The plaintiff often criticizes the person at the origin of the refusal ("you always say no", etc.) but can also address them to himself ("what a fool to have asked that!").

If, on the contrary, the applicant remains calm in the face of the refusal and shows empathy towards the needs of his interlocutor, he keeps the communication open. This is a demand, in the sense of the CNV. What Rosenberg expresses as follows: "Once we are ready to listen fully to what prevents the other from doing what we ask, we make a request, by my definition, and not a requirement. "

Practice of CNV

Conceptually, the method is simple: apply the "OSBD" approach (Observation - Sentiment - Need - Demand), distinguish the facts from the opinions, be clear with oneself and attentive to the other. However, it is difficult to implement in many cases. Marshall Rosenberg identifies language brakes - when he uses many peremptory terms - and cultural, when the middle privileges the balance of power on collaborative relationships.

To illustrate the application of the CNV approach, Marshall Rosenberg uses the metaphor of giraffe and jackal. The giraffe represents the person in a situation of nonviolent communication, the jackal symbolizes the violence present in the situations of communication. Thus learning the CNV is to move from a "jackal" communication to a "giraffe" communication. There is no value judgment in choosing these animals. Marshall Rosenberg chose the giraffe because it is the land animal with the biggest heart and because it has very few natural enemies. In no case is it a reference to a supposed kindness. As he himself says, "giraffes are not nice".
In CNV, the other is always free and his real consent is essential. The practitioner of the CNV, as conceived by Mr. Rosenberg, will prefer a refusal than a forced acceptance. The person who uses the CNV is looking for the satisfaction of the needs of himself and the other, equally.
Finally, as its intention is to meet its needs and those of the other, the CNV invites to be flexible and creative on how to meet its needs. For this, the person who uses the NVC must be ready to change the "strategy of satisfaction of his needs", in order to also take into account the needs of the other.
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